Spiritual Minute - Rescued - Paul Utgoff - July 27, 2008
My spiritual minute has a happy ending, so please bear with me through a less than happy beginning.
On January 4th, I found out from my surgeon that my 2006 cancer had not been eradicated, but that instead it had spread widely throughout my abdominal peritoneum. I took away from our discussion that I had some months, not years, of life expectancy. It is common, when receiving such bad news, to enter a period of denial; this isn't really happening. For some reason, I seemed to skip quickly to a period of acceptance; this is my fate.
For about one month, my outlook was glum, and I had an attitude that one could characterize as `why bother.' A few short examples: 1) when my surgeon recommended a daily blood thinner in response to a small pulmonary embolism, I said `why bother,' because an embolism seemed like a preferable death. 2) my gall bladder became blocked, and in reply to a suggested procedure to deal with it, I said `why bother.' 3) I had lost my appetite entirely, and when my oncologist recommended an appetite stimulant, I replied `why bother.' These were serious propositions on my part, not grumbling.
February 6th was a magical day. Most of it was spent in a trip to Mass General Hospital, where I met with their head of gastro-intestinal oncology. He had several patients, with my same cancer and similar history, who were doing well on chemo-therapy, and would live several good years before eventually succumbing. This was fabulous news, to imagine years instead of months. This was Ash Wednesday, and Karen and I traveled directly from MGH to the evening service at Saint Philip's. Father Ray's laying on of hands, and praying for a miraculous complete cure, was very moving. Adding to this, at the same time several congregation members also layed their hands upon me with Father Ray. This was overwhelming, and I felt God's presence among us.
All along, my family, and my friends in and out of Saint Philip's, had been trying to encourage me. Only in February did it start to make good sense to me. All whom I love are still in my life. Nearly all of what I like to do is still available to me. My blessed life is right here before me, to be lived and loved to the fullest. I have received visits, hugs, prayers, blessings, calls, cards, letters, and email - all of which have lifted me and given me hope and strength. Indeed, I feel that I was rescued from the depths. My dear wife Karen has been there for me at every moment, helping me in every way.
I want to mention one message of encouragement that was very helpful to me. The essence was that the ultimate miracle of a cure could take several steps, not just one. I am now able to see some of the steps that have taken place, and some that are yet to come. 1) Count my blessings, including God's grace. 2) Allow myself to receive strength from the prayers and help on my behalf. 3) Confront each medical challenge with vigor and a look to the future.
God has been with me in a variety of ways. To me, the most striking example has been in what I have seen in my family and friends. It is God's will that we try to do good, for example by following the many examples of Jesus doing and teaching good. From the Lord's prayer ... "thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven." When we do God's will, we act on behalf of God, and we bring a bit of heaven to earth. The strong steady support and love that I have received from my family and friends has been a most marvelous example to me of God acting for my benefit.
Why bother? Life is a precious gift. Today, medically, I am relatively safe from pulmonary embolism, my gall bladder is again trouble free, and my own appetite has returned. And, as most of you know, I am now [likely] eligible for an important surgery that I was not, back in January. Only God knows what the future holds. Meanwhile, I'll take the steps that lie before me, as God helps me to see them.